Thursday, September 23, 2010

Endhiran - The Money Spinner

Folks, take a look at the following image. Rub your eyes. See it again. It'd cost you 70 bucks if you saw the same in Kasi theatre, in Chennai!



Thursday, July 01, 2010

Generations Abridged

My grandpa, who is in his mid-eighties, is sort of tech savy. Though medicine is his first love, he is forced to become a computer geek at 8:00PM IST, daily. Thanks to his twenty-month old great- grandson, who instilled that geeky urge in his great grandpa - the two-footer, my legal heir, who is situated twenty thousand miles away from Madrasapattinam, would get ready by 10:30AM EST and eagerly await his great grandpa's arrival. While the budding toddler would be able to get online effortlessley via his 6MBPS AT&T broadband, my grandpa would have to wake his techie-alter up, to wage a war against the 256KBPS BSNL narrow-band. To add to the intensity of the battle, Yahoo Messenger and it's voice/video suite would shower a quiver of Plug-in missing and Version Incompatible error messages. After fighting all odds, just when my grandpa would be about to win the battle, either the microphone, or the headphone, or sometimes both, would simply refuse to work. Not withstanding the technical harrasment, my grandpa would place an international call to the technical support for assistance. The lady at the technical support center would cheerfully greet him with the usual message, Howdy Thatha! How may I help you today?. After several minutes of remote-troubleshooting, the cheerful technical support representative, my wife, would finally get my grandpa's system up and running. The virtual ordeal by then, would have augmented my grandpa's desperation to get a glimpse of my son. Finally, after all invitations to view the webcams have been mutually accepted, the moment of epiphany would dawn - Yahoo Messenger would start broadcasting the video and audio in a small box, at the corner of the screen - he called it, the box of love. For the next several minutes, there would be shrieks of joy, yellings of triumphs, and exchanges of love. For my grandpa, it's a heroic moment; swimming- against-the-tide kind of thing. However, after he begins witnessing his bloodline in flesh and blood, he would forget all the technical challenges that he had to face in getting himself online. In other words, he would radiate the same amount of joy that he would have once radiated, before clicking on the BSNL Broadband icon on his desktop. My grandpa doesn't hate BSNL. He just doesn't seem to love it anymore. Afterall, it's the only trustworthy telecommunications service provider, he says!  


Sometime in the recent past, my grandpa happened to demonstrate his computer accumen to my entire family; my parents, in-laws, cousins, and other tiny tots. The family had gathered to see my son's photo digest. Well, it was a weekly ritual. One of my cousins was playing a slideshow of my son's photos on Picasa. Though Picasa has an option to prolong the time delay between the slide transitions, even one second would translate to ten seconds, on a BSNL narrow-band. There was a particular photo-slide of my son that froze on screen for more than ten seconds. In his pose, my son wasn't facing the camera. He had slightly turned his head towards his right. 

My grandpa, who had been silently watching this spectacle, suddenly yelled, 

Kozhandai oda thalaiya konjam thiruppi vida sollunga. Romba nerama orey pakkama paathundu irukkan. Kazhuttu valikka pogudhu, paavam.

[Translation: Let the baby face the camera. His neck might hurt, as he's been looking elsewhere since a very long time.]

For a moment, nobody got the message.  

Then, one of the tiny tots voiced timidly, Aiyo thatha! Idhu unga webcam illay. Idhu, still photo!

[Translation: Oy grandpa! We aren't watching him via a webcam. We're only seeing his photos!]

Though everyone was laughing hysterically at that impromptu remark, my grandpa was quick on his feet with a fitting reply - with a 256KBPS high-speed internet, I believe he's used to seeing only still images, even on a Logitech webcamera!

One cannot blame my grandpa. Maybe I'll gift him an iPhone4, sometime soon. 

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Google for sale?

Search giant Google is known for its creativity in morphing the characters of its "Google" doodle depending on the occasion. For instance, on Oct 2nd, Google for the first time, became a Mahatma by transforming the first "G" in its logo to a majestic pencil sketch of our Bapu.

However, today, when I visited www.google.com briefly, I felt Google was up for sale. What else can a person who has a confused brain like that of the author of this post think of when one sees thin strips of alternating black and white patterns that resemble a bar code, in the place of the Google doodle? The fact though, is that it really is a bar code and Google is surely not for sale - yet. Upon decoding, one would be able to unravel the word "Google", says Digital Inspiration. Brilliant, isn't it?

Device magazine says that it is Google's way of honouring the invention of Bar Code - a typical this day, that age material! - rings a bell? Let me know if it doesn't.

Coming back to my initial trip to google.com today, though I first imagined that Google was on sale, I was quickly overwhelmed by a completely different and compelling fantasy - with the ongoing debate at Chronicwriter on India's controversial discovery of human piss on the moon, one shouldn't complain if I said that I imagined the bar code to be one of those satellite pictures, which represented a poor imitation of the zebra-crossing on the moon, created by an amateur astronaut-painter who was excessively drunk and was working on his strokes against the lack of gravity!

This is how the painting came out bar code looks:




Jokes apart. Am an ardent fan of Google. There is nothing that it does not know. It is next to god.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Skanda-Purana: Adventures with my half-year old son

If you compare my head and his fingers, you'll find more hair in the latter - such is the power of an infant's grasp, mind you. As for my son, that's how he expresses his love - by tearing my hair apart.



Unlike his dad, he can come up with a spiky hairstyle, almost effortlessly - All he would have to do is wake up from his sleep.



He slips his hand under the quilt and screams his diaper-off, because he cannot find his hand again!



He proves every now and then that he's the son of two electrical engineers, by chewing the black USB-Cable of the 'logitech' web camera.



When he cannot stand his dad's histrionics any longer, he buries his face with the nearest piece of paper available.



When he is terribly hungry, if he cannot find his feeding bottle in the nearest vicinity, his mouth somehow gets hold of a nipple-like big and blunt object to suck - his father's nose.



If you notice scratches or blemishes of other sorts on my face, it means my son and I have had intimate moments together. 



Having read that babies love their parents' body-warmth, everyday I rock my son frantically for thirty minutes, trying to put him to sleep. The body-warmth thing does work - only for adults - eventually, I fall asleep and he's still wide awake, as fresh as ever.



He isn't a daddy-craving kid. He is happy with the soft-toy-souvenir that his uncle once brought from North Carolina - a whitish brown orangutan.



He is one of a kind kid, in the sense that he hates sucking his own thumb. Don't get me wrong, I just meant to say, he likes his index-finger better.




Apart from the above, the 'thirukkural' sized infant has other funny quirks, for which I don't have a pictorical proof....    

He amuses himself by kissing and licking his own shadow on the carpet.
He tightly clasps his silver spoon and thrusts it straight into his throat, holding his grasp for several minutes, thinking that the food will keep flowing in, just like how it does via a feeding bottle.

He laughs hysterically when his dad shreds the New York Times into hundred pieces, just to disport him.

When it comes to dressing, he has no preferences. I could even sock him up with my wife's pink i-pod sleeve.

He is extremely well-mannered. If you attempt to shake hands with him while he's lying on his back, he'll extend his leg. 

The Murphy's law always works - he waits patiently till I unfasten the soiled diaper from his bottom. After am fully done with the cleaning, he pees in peace, right onto my face.

Photo Courtesy: Thanks to R A V E, my wife, for the pics! 

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Unveiling, for the first time......


About
Skanda, a nine-month project, nicely developed and delivered on the 9th of September 2008 at 6:05PM (EST), two weeks ahead of schedule!

Specifications
Name : Skanda

Sex         : Male

Weight  : 5.6lbs 

Height  : 17.5 Inches

Biceps : 0.5 Inches

Released in : St.Mary's hospital, Waterbury

Sun sign         : Virgo

Education : Illiterate

Salient Features
Capable of crying, drinking, peeing, pooping, sleeping, and repeating the cycle again in a set interval.

What's missing in the bundle
Only the teeth, but has an in-built technology to develop the same.

Current challenge
Coping with the jet-lag!

Favourite punch-line
"Size doesn't matter. It's the attitude. And I have one"

Autograph
Available upon request -- thumb impression only.

Photograph
See above

........hope that explains what kept the blogger away from the blogsphere for the last few months :)

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Is bollywood jay-walking?

If you were to make a movie as a tribute to your father, what story line would you choose? Patriotism? An Inspirational theme? neo-realism? A romantic comedy? Murder mystery? At worst, occult science? If you can think of more categories, please jot them down and send them over to me. Am really (really!) interested in knowing how many people "vibe" with Karan Johar, who plans to make a movie centered around...hmm...why don't you take a guess? To enhance your imagination, let me remind you of some all-time bollywood classics in the form of brain teasers. If you can solve the first few, the last one should be a cakewalk. So, here you go -

B is A's wife, who happens to be C's sister. A and B became husband and wife after the death of C, who was A's ex-wife. However, B had a secret relationship with D. In the end, A and B together killed D and lived happily ever after.
Hint: Extra-marital affair. Mallika Sherawat. If you cannot guess that, quit reading and please jump out of the nearest accessible window, right now.

A loves D, C might have been in love with B. But A and B, and C and D are husbands and wives. A loved D to such an extent that he even slept with her! In the end, C and B let D elope with A. A and D lived happily ever after.
Hint: Extra-marital affair again. Call it illicit-relationship if you like. His third movie in the 'K' series. All three of them featured the BAD-shah of bollywood.

A loves B. B and C are friends. C is secretly in love with B. While A, B and C are vacationing in the Bahamas-like local location, B drugs C and takes HER to bed!
Hint: B and C are WOMEN! No, it's not Nandita Das and we're not talking about Fire!

Does that tease your brain enough? Okay, now here's the final one; the Karan Johar's father-tribute-stuff that I was talking about, a while ago. It's exactly the same as the last puzzle above, but read the hint very carefully:

A loves B. B and C are friends. C is secretly in love with B. While A, B and C are vacationing in the Bahamas-like local location, B drugs C and takes HIM to bed!
Hint: B and C are MEN! Howzzzzaaaat?

Well, there are umpteen number of such interesting plots that have burgeoned in Bollywood in the recent times. But this one takes the cake -- Karan Johar's ambitious venture titled 'Dostana', featuring Jr.Bachan, John Abraham and Priyanka Chopra.

'Dostana', which is being produced by Karan Johar as a tribute to his late father Yash Johar, has an innovative theme. Abhishek Bachan and John Abraham are gay. Yes, you heard it right. Oh no, wait! I meant, they act gay. It still is going to be a love triangle (I guess), but interlaced with a homo-sexual relationship this time, for a change.

Here's an excerpt from an interview with the director of the film, Tarun Mansukhani -

"How did John and Abhishek react on knowing they had to act gay?

They are cool, open-minded people. When I narrated the story to John, he laughed and said, 'should I do this with Abhishek?' and that is all. Neither of them had any qualms.
"

Is bollywood gay-walking? Err, sorry, jay-walking?

Click here to read the entire article on Rediff -> Link.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Highway nuisance

Driving at a pulse-pounding speed of 120mph, not caring an atom about the disastrous traffic, or the driving rules, or other highway regulations could be the trendiest of things for a budding teen. But how about a middle-aged woman? Why would she want to get herself killed? What in the name of god might have gone wrong with this lady who was zipping past, faster than the fastest of the falcons? These were just a few of the many questions that were lingering in the minds of the dutiful cops who were right behind the reckless driver, chasing her. After thirty trecherous minutes, though the lady did not voluntarily pull over, the cops somehow succeeded in cornering her. While three of the officers surrounded the car and took positions, one of them cautiously approached the driver's seat, only to find a seemingly harmless woman with a ghastly look on her face.

The terrified lady, who kept mum when she was fired with a dozen questions, did not speak up until the officer asked her, "Miss, can you please give me at least one good reason why you were racing like Michael Schumacher on I-84?" To this, the lady instantly retorted, "Well, my son, who grew up 'listening' to Schumy's races in the last nine months, is on his way to meet mundane creatures like us. Damn it! am having contractions and if I don't reach the nearest hospital in the next five minutes, he'll come out and pee right into my face!"

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to any of the true incidents that might have occurred in the past, or is occurring presently, or might occur in the future, is and will be purely co-incidental.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Married men somehow become naive

Yahoo messenger, MSN, GTalk and the likes can either make or break a relationship, depending upon the marital status of the individual (read 'geezer'), with the likelihood of the former happening for a budding and young lover, and the latter, for still a budding, but old lover. One of my pal's bosom pals' had the habit of categorizing his buddies into groups on one of the chat applications. So what? Most of us do that, isn't it? He had groups such as 'School friends', 'Relatives', 'Machees of Mannaargudi' (friends from the city Mannaargudi in Tamilnadu), 'Santhome porukkis' (hooligans of the Santhome area in Chennai), 'NIITs' (read Not Interested In Technologies), 'Kathaadi kawasakis' (kaathadi means kite in tamil. I presume kawasaki is a Japanese word), and even 'alfonsa undies' (I'll leave that to your imagination).

Not too long ago, he had a tiff with his wife, when she accidentally happened to see his buddy list and noticed that her name showed up in the group titled, "Uncategorized". He had a hard time convincing her that it happened so, by mistake. A few days later, he did correct his mistake, but this time the consequences were more severe than the previous one -- as his wife accidentally happened to see his contact list again, she noticed her name in a brand new category titled, "Wives".

Friday, May 30, 2008

Happy father's day


"Man proposes, god disposes" -- Ask a man who just fathered a child and he'd say the vice-versa is also true

Happy father's day.

(I meant to post this on June 15th, but accidentally clicked on the 'PUBLISH POST' button -- such accidents can happen, but beware of getting knocked up like the guy above!)

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Words of wisdom

While I was standing in queue at Dunkin Donuts, I overheard this conversation between a husband and wife...

Wife : I believe the new southern style chicken sandwich introduced
by McD recently, is doing very well all over the US and Europe. Did
you know?

Husband : Oh, really? I didn't know that.

Wife : Yeah. Wanna give it a shot?

Husband : Unfortunately, am not a non-vegetarian anymore.

Wife : Good for the chickens. Hope you also become a 'non-ogle-arian' -- if that's a word -- sometime soon. That'll be good for the chicks.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


In a recent google chat (edited version) with one of my childhood pals....

Me : hiya dude!


(a long pause..)


Pal : hey!
Me : howz it goin?

(a long pause..)

Pal : good
Me : howz married life ;-) ?

(a long pause..)

Pal : good

(a long pause..)

Me : busy ;-) ?

(a long pause..)

Pal : not really

Me : :( .... then y aren't u not talking much?

(a long pause..)

Pal : had a tooth extraction...that's why..actually 4, to be precise..all
my wisdom...

Me : I figured :-D.....now i see why you're not talking(typing) :-)

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Room No. 911

A bunch of desi chaps, who travelled to the US for the first time on a business visit, stayed in a hotel in New York. One beautiful morning, one of the chaps called 911 to report an emergency. The cops rushed to the spot in no time, only to find the hotel in an unexpected state of tranquility. None of the hotel staff were aware of any emergency situation in their hotel. One of the staff members led the officers to the desi gang's humble abode. After having a brief interrogation with the distressed chap who had called them, the officers left. On their way back, one of the officers stopped by the front desk, leaned forward and gently told the receptionist in a hushed voice, "It appears that we cannot fix their problem. We believe their bathroom shower stopped working. Is there someway you can help?"

Monday, May 05, 2008

Token of appreciation

It was more than a ritual in my friend's ex-company to offer on-the-spot gratuities (really hefty ones) to their employees who made outstanding contributions to their respective projects. One such competitive employee, in spite of having exhibited his profound skills, was neither apprised in a just manner nor given the due credits. By due credits, I mean the impromptu gratuities I was talking about in the first line -- I believe, these were termed "Bravo awards".

The frustrated employee, who was no longer able to endure the injustice thrown upon him, once poured out his indignant feelings to his immediate supervisor, stating that the supervisor better honour him with at least a "Bravo". The supervisor, who was a new hire himself, did not know what "Bravo" meant; neither the true meaning of the word nor the company's lingo. Obviously, the employee meant the latter. Ignorant of these facts, the rookie searched for the "synonym" of the word in a web-dictionary, returned to the employee, gave a consoling pat on his back and shouted
with a sense of triumph, "Bravo! Bravo!"

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Food for thought

It is beyond my doubt that whoever wrote the following 'gems', must've been helplessly inebriated, or had an extremely important errand to run, or lost control over one's bladder, or skipped at least one square meal before he/she actually wrote it. I mostly think it must've been one of those chappies working at the restaurant, for I believe chappies have an innate tendency to shut their minds off and drop their jaws open instead, when they encounter delicious, lip-smacking and mouth-watering food -- Take me, for instance -- Show me a plateful of echt Bhel-Poori and a woman-full of zeal and oomph -- you can never buy me for the latter!

Anyway, coming back, thanks to Sarvajnya for capturing and sharing these precious writings, directly from the buffet table of a desi restaurant in Amreeka, whose name I don't wish to disclose!

I don't know if the cuisine in this restaurant hydrated the eaters' tongues, but I can tell for sure that the following captions would really tickle your funny bone for now!



.....and that's okra curry for you!



....that's how stylish it would sound if an 'Amreekan' pronounced cottage cheese in Hindi!




......with what? whiskey, soda and ice?




....i don't think that sounds sweet!




....there can be a free thought, but not free food...before you can lay your hands on that, crack the anagram first!




...okay...so, now I know where those 'hawalas' originated from!




.......and finally, I lost my 'peace' after reading this!

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Immortal chickens

Sometime in the recent past, I had been to BigY (a grocery store, near my home) to buy chicken drumsticks. Am habituated to checking expiry dates on ANY product I buy -- yeah, at times, I've even flipped a brand new razor pack a dozen times, frantically looking for the expiry date. Having said that, I must also say that all manufacturers across the globe, are habituated to either printing the expiry date at a place that is highly inconspicuous or leaving the column blank!

Anyway, speaking of chicken drumsticks, what could expiry date on an already dead chicken mean? Is the chicken still alive and is actually slated to die on the date mentioned in the pack? I don't think so, since I see the formless chicken in front of my own eyes! Then, what could it mean? Is the chicken going to get re-incarnated anytime between now and the predicted expiry date, and eventually die again? Hmm..Whatever, the crude reality was that I knew I was going to eat a dead body that was tested and marked for human consumption!

Am wondering how it'd be if the chickens started taking revenge -- just picture a chicken walk into a grocery store, looking for human legs! Indian, Chinese, Thai, South American, African, small, thick, long, slender, sexy; Wow!! Wouldn't they find better varieties in us than what we'd find in them?

Monday, February 11, 2008

Clean(er's) choice

One of my friends, who's excessively obsessed with water therapy, drinks gallons of water everyday. In order to quench his thirst (or should I say, douse the fire!), he would often stop by the vending machine inside his office pantry to churn out a 16oz coke after tossing a dollar in. After he finishes the coke, he'd top it up with water, and use it for his therapy. Though his intention was to re-use the empty coke bottle everyday, he couldn't do so because it used to simply vanish from his desk! This made him go nuts and buy a new bottle everytime. He later figured out that it was the Mexican domestic helpers who cleaned his office regularly in the evenings, that discarded the empty bottles. The simplest solution would've been to secure the bottle inside a drawer -- for some reason (unknown to me, till date), he never did that. After several such keep-and-throw games, he once came up with a "brilliant" idea and wrote this text(in CAPS) on an A4 sheet: "PLEASE DO NOT TAKE OR THROW THE BOTTLE AWAY", left it over his desk and placed the empty coke bottle over it. He then left the office, feeling fully complacent. When he came back the next day, the A4 sheet was gone! And the day after, the bottle disappeared again *grin*.

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Filler post

It's been more than two weeks since I ventured (is that the right word?) into this space of mine. We were off to Florida on a long vacation and just returned this week! Thanks to all those who stopped by my blog while I was away! I had to let go of my creative energies for a fortnight, hoping that I'd be able to trap them afresh after my return. Here I am -- Back, and physically, fully rejuvenated. But for some reason, my mind is still enclosed inside this emptiness that I forcefully created before we started out! Probably, my soul is still hanging around in Miami with those bikini-clad women, in one of those dangerously-beautiful white beaches;It probably is looking for more exposure to cosmic rays.

What the heck? Is this what's called as writer's block (read blogger's block)? Believe me, am trying really hard to get over with it. Hopefully, I'll overcome this creepy phenomenon within a week's time. Until then, a word of caution to all those avid bloggers out there in the blogsphere -- before you go on vacation, make sure you have atleast a couple of posts saved as drafts that are publishable as soon as you return. The block-bug would be waiting to bite you!

A random thought that whisked through my neurons while I was dozing off in southwest airlines, which I'd like to share -- after the advent of the push-button telephones, and after the conventional and archaic dial-phones have become more of a collector's item, shouldn't the word 'dialing' itself be extinct by now?

Okay, I guess that was too much. Now, chill out for a bit and watch these
fireworks that I shot in Disney, using my low-resolution camera.



See you soon!

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Software inside, footwear outside

Sometime in the early nineties, when I was in school, when the eight-letter word C-O-M-P-U-T-E-R was considered nothing less than a machine with divine intelligence (and they called it AI!), capable of performing tasks ranging from processing of complicated accounts in a grocery store to launching of a rocket in NASA, I remember this funny poster (printed from an incredibly slow and lowest quality dot-matrix printer) stuck outside my computer lab in school that said, "Software inside, footwear outside"; as if, the computer lab were a place of worship and the computers themselves, the avtaars of gods! Not to forget the lab in-charge staff and computer sirs/ma'ams, who were considered messengers of these gods. All this hype, for a couple of old and rickety 386 machines with MS-DOS (one of them even had Windows 95!) installed in them! Whenever we passed the computer lab, we'd see the staffs sitting in front of the computer, with their legs crossed and fingers on their chins, giving a sophisticated expression on their faces. Wish I had a camera then. If I did, I would've slowly panned it behind these guys and showed the entire world what they were actually doing -- playing solitaire.

Coming back to the funny notice stuck outside the lab, when we asked the faculties why we had to leave our footwear outside and how wearing it inside the lab would affect the computers, one of them replied, "You see, there are lot of viruses and bacteria inside your shoes and chappals. If you wear it and come inside, the viruses will attack the computers and destroy the confidential software data!"

And these people were considered the tech geeks of the so-called fifth generation of computers.

I still wonder why we were asked to leave our footwear outside the computer lab. Was it just my school, or was that a universal rule then? Hmmm...nobody has given me a convincing reply till date.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

This could happen to you

The next time you sermonize, better think twice. It might just turn against you, like how it happened to this news reporter. But, it all really depends on how well you carry yourself. Such a situation can be handled in three different ways -

The Jim-Carrey-method

Graciously evade the topic on a funny note, by uttering a few gags.

The Tom-Hanks-method

Get serious, become an object of demonstration and say, "Hey look, this is what I meant! So, beware!"

The Chandler-method

Careful. You need to be extremely skilled in doing this. Enact bullets one and
two above, alternatively and with style!

Now, watch this video...





Sunday, December 30, 2007

What's your name ?

So, what's the big deal about my name ? "Guruprasad Raghunathan" -- does it sound too gross ? Just because it's lengthy, does it bog you down in any way ? Well, it does, for several people in foreign countries.

Exactly a year ago, sometime during Christmas, I successfully failed in my road test (for the second time, in less than two months) in the US, in an effort to obtain my driver's license. You know what was running through my mind when I overlooked that dreadful "STOP" sign and was almost about to have a collision with an SUV (who had 'the right of way', as they call it) coming from the right ? -- "what the heck is wrong with my name?" I came back to my senses when the inspector, who was sitting next to me yelled, "Watch out!! You're gonna get me killed !!". I felt like shouting back, "Hey !! It happened because your gluttonous paunch was completely obscuring my vision! So, YOU better watch out!!". Unfortunately, I had to keep to myself.

Coming back, people in the US, seem to be having a problem with my name. The driving inspector, just before the driver's test, called out names of candidates who were giving their driver's exam. Each of them, acknowledged their presence by raising their hands.

"George" *hand raise*, "David" *hand raise*, "Bob" *hand raise* and so on.

Then came a long silence, followed by sounds like "uh, oh, huh, ah", and a silence again. He was nearly sweating and seemed to be having a nervous breakdown -- I quietly raised my hand and said, that must be my name, "Guruprasad Raghunathan". He heaved a sigh of relief and said, "well, err, I guess it is. Come on over junior (excuse me, am 26 years old !!), and sign your name in here". He was curious to know how people called me. I said, people who knew and liked me, called me Guru. To relieve him of his mental agony, I asked him to call me by the same name. He still seemed to be distressed, as my signature confused his already cluttered brain. He was so darn curious to know how a big name like mine, could be summarised into such a small signature, consisting of just four characters - GURU. He asked me, "Are you sure your signature is not incomplete?". I felt like saying, "Oh sorry, it actually is. Hang on, let me append my father, grandfather and my great-grandfather's names to it. Would my driver's licence card have enough room to accomodate that?"

I come across several such incidents on a daily basis, no matter where I go -- be it the local pharmacy or the barber shop. People seem to lose patience and some even get higly demoralised afer reading the first few letters of my name. G-U-R-U is the usual threshold. They get bowled out after that. Some take it as a challenge and try to crack my name, as if it were a puzzle, doh! I remember this technical support guy from AT&T, who said he was pretty comfortable reading "parts" of my name, like - GURU, SAD, RAG, THAN (from GURUPRASAD RAGHUNATHAN). He was so very amused, especially by "RAG", that he asked me if he could call me so, for convenience. I said, I would call him a "ROGUE" if he addressed me so. Luckily, most of the people are quite okay with GURU. Thanks to the word, for it's found a place in the english dictionary ! Having difficulties reading a foreign name is understandable. Everyone faces that. But why criticize it ? Should it necessarily have to be prefixed and suffixed with phrases like "gosh", "oops", "my god !" and "I give up" ?

For all those who are dyslexic about my name, I have one question to ask -- How on earth did you accept a name like Arnold Schwarzenegger ? Were you able to get it right the first time, without stuttering or stammering even a bit ? Come on man, I know people in India who lost their sleep over it! And you talk about lengthy names, damn !!

Sunday, December 23, 2007

I yum resign



What you're about to read is an actual resignation note (unedited version) that my manager-friend received from one of his team members.

"Hello,

I will not cum in office from today onwords.I fell down in the road last friday while returning from the office near madivala flyover. I right leg and right shoulder got little damage.
As per the doctor advise I have to take 30 to 45 days rest to recovar campletly. Since I going to Australia far MBA in feb last weak I Can't join the job again after my recovary far shart period. So I decided to dis-continue my work from today onwords. I really sorry far the inconvenience caused to resigning my job. Tanks for the great suport and copration from u r compayny.

I yum resign."

Atleast, 'I will not cum in office' was pardonable to a certain extent, since it gave my friend a hearty laugh. But, 'I yum resign' was the last straw to break the camel's back. After reading that last sentence, my friend felt like resigning his job too. I believe, this person's technical abilities were equally challenging. I really wonder how such people get recruited by multi-national companies. For your information, the guy who wrote this letter was selected after five rigorous rounds of interviews. I think the HR guys who interviewed him must've had five rounds of 'old monk' or 'Bacardi'.

We come across many such people in our day to day lives, don't we ? Shouldn't you be well equiped to face this cult ? Do not panic. I shall help you with the same -- after years of observation and learning, I've come up with a comprehensive list of the oft used vocabulary of these cults, a few of which are mentioned below.

Build your vocabulary in 5 mins !

Words


Bitch - Which
Bhaat - What
Bark - Work
Far - For
Onwords - Onwards
Neen - Keen
Impotent - Important
Cum - Come
Shit - Sit
Shee - See
Workalcoholic - Workaholic
Sawn - Seen
Kerosene -Crocin
Yum -Am
Copration -Co-operation
Weak -Week
Hear/Gear -Here
Bad -Bed
Anygow -Anyhow
Somegow -Somehow
Snakes -Snacks
Aapees-Office
Ass up -ASAP (As Soon As Possible)
Putted - Past tense of 'put' (courtesy: Aravind G): Thanks Aravind :) !

Usage

"Yei Martin, listenu gear"

"Aave you open and sawn the file aa ?"

"Maydam, I will cum..can you show me that ass up ?"

"If you getting fever, take kerosene"

"I always work with enjoy in aapees even if late night, becaas I am workalcoholic"

"You can shit wherever you want saar...so many chayrs free"

"Your wife is barking ?"

"maam, you aave to prepare a document -- you know bitch ???? "

"Please hulp yourself with tea and snakes pa"

......and the list goes on....Do you have anything to add? Pleeej abuse the comment box below. Tanks.


Liked it ? Would you be interested in reading a short story ? Please click here

Friday, December 14, 2007

White snow and two dwarfs


It snowed 'monkeys and donkeys' in the east coast, yesterday. Don't get me wrong, they weren't scattered all around. Simply meant to use a different phrase, just for the heck of it. 'cats and dogs' are reserved only for rains, aren't they?

Coming back to 'monkeys and donkeys', it had been snowing the whole of yesterday and Connecticut recorded an average of 10 - 12 inches. My wife and I, kept gazing outside the whole day hoping for the storm to abate, so that we could have a romantic walk before the snow turns into ice. Atlast, it stopped around ten in the night. This was the moment we were waiting for. Both of us, fully armoured with thick winter clothing, finally stepped out of the house and walked towards the parking lot. There were heaps of snow all over the place and it took us a while to discover our black beauty, the Audi A4, which was hidden under one of the mounds. As we started shovelling to unearth our car, we indulged in a deep conversation, as to how well equipped our car was with it's four wheel-drive and a fully loaded winter package. Though I was happy with my car, I told my wife how much I missed the blue Audi A6 that we were supposed to have bought, but eventually did not. Both of us were now standing in front of our car to clear some snow near the front tires and my wife consoled me by saying how obedient a car ours was, and that it was the best in town; like how every wife consoles her husband.

After forty-five minutes, as the shovelling came to an end, our glib talk ended too, when a man approached us from the behind and walked straight up to the front door of our car. As he turned back and looked at us to give a quick nod and smile, the indicators of our car flashed. Our brains flashed too, like a tube light. He briefly glanced at our car, scanning the length and breadth of it, with a puzzled expression on his face. Before we could realise what was happening, he had already backed our car out of the parking lot and zoomed past us. As our car moved, we could clearly read the words Audi A6, written on it's trunk. My wife's face turned pale as she looked at me. My heart skipped a beat. Both of us stood there, frozen. We could do nothing, but simply watch the black beauty veer past us. What else could we have done after realising that it was actually our neighbour's car that we shovelled.

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. The characters referred to as 'Wife' and 'I' are purely fictional. The snowfall in Connecticut, was a fact though.

Update: I came to know through Vinesh that there is an ad similar to the story narrated above. I really couldn't believe it ! Check it out ! Thanks Vinesh, for letting me know.





Taking off the snow of your neighbour’s car!!! - kewego




Saturday, December 08, 2007

Mainframe and Sex

Long ago, I authored a post called 'Sex and Chess' (Click here to read it), where I had outlined the similarities between the two 'games'. With a lot of thinking and imagination, I came out with 13 different points to highlight what I felt they have in common. Yesterday, I realized that was nothing -- Google went a step further and outwitted me by establishing a connection between 'Mainframe computing' and 'Sex'. I was working on a bug-fix at my workplace and had to google out something related to a mainframe problem. I entered a few search strings and hit the 'enter' key. The search results that showed up on my laptop screen, almosted tossed me off my chair -- I was laughing out loud and couldn't control myself. Look at the circled areas in the screen snap-shot above (click on the image to "enlarge it" *grin*) to check out how imaginative and fundoo humorous Google could get with it's ads !

Monday, December 03, 2007

Return of crazy thieves

First Crazy Wednesday

'Crazy' Mohan, needs no introduction. His name says it all. I've grown up listening to and watching his stage dramas in several 'sabhas' in Mylapore, Chennai. Infact, there used to be an auditorium called 'RR Sabha', adjacent to my school building ,where many of his shows took place. So, it was just a hop, skip and a jump from the school's gate. I used to be so much crazy about 'Crazy' Mohan's dramas, that I would directly sneak into the auditorium with my school uniform, back pack and lunch bag, to get a glimpse of Maadhu and Cheenu, who were my favourite comedians then ! crazy kid, huh ?

Crazy Mohan's dialogues had a neat mix of satires, puns, one-liners and to top it all, confusions! The names of the characters in his plays and scripts ought to be Mythili, Janaki, Maadhu and Cheenu. He's been pretty much consistent with that, atleast as far as I've known. The interesting part about his wits are that they're constructed in such a way that while you're still laughing on a gag line, you might tend to lose out on the ones that follow -- and that speaks volumes about the writer's acumen. I've always believed that there are only three people that can execute Crazy Mohan's dialogues to perfection -- 'Maadhu' Balaji (Crazy's blood brother), 'Comedy King' S.Ve Sekhar and 'Padmashri' Kamal Hassan. Listening to their jokes, I can go on for days without bread and water.

Gallons of humour is all I need, to survive....

Starting today, I'll be posting audio versions of stage dramas penned by 'Crazy' Mohan under the space titled, 'Crazy Wednesday'. Hope you'll enjoy them as much as I'd do !

Update: Looks like this post hasn't had reasonable hits. So, i'll be discontinuing this series(as if I've already posted a dozen!) for now. I'll resume, on demand.

Presenting, 'Return of crazy thieves', a sequel to 'Crazy Thieves in Palavakkam' -> Click here to listen. If you'd like to listen to 'Crazy thieves in Palavakkam', please click here.



Source file: e-snips social DNA

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Prejudiced ?

Right from the day I watched Pithamagan (a few years ago) in Mayajaal (a multiplex in ECR road, Chennai), I've been wanting to write a full-fledged review about the film. Everytime I tried doing that, something or the other cropped up and I used to get quickly overwhelmed. I had been revamping my blogger template for the last one week(yeah, it's been more than a year since I blogged) and noticed this post titled 'Pithamagan', lying in the drafts, with no content in it. Anyway, the dust has now settled and it's way too late to go for a complete review of the film. It is beyond doubt that Pithamagan was a blockbuster; not to forget the several accolades that were showered upon the film. Bala's deft screenplay, maestro's soul stirring music, Sangeetha's mature performance, Laila's comical role, everything about the movie was well handled. Infact, this movie was one of my personal favourites too. However, certain things about the film really did irk me and I'd like to stir a few sediments out.

First of all, Pithamagan, inspite of a flawed script, convinced the common masses that it was a masterpiece. I say the script was flawed because of the justification given by director Bala, in portraying Vikram's character. Vikram behaves like an uncivilized barbarian (who does not even know how to speak) just because he was born in a graveyard and brought-up by an undertaker, and seemingly was cut off from the rest of the world -- this rationale is simply outrageous. What is even more disappointing is that it is this aspect of the movie, which is highly illogical, fetched Vikram a national award ! huh ! Though Vikram had no dialogues to speak(except to 'sing' a certain melancholic tune once in a while), he managed to win the hearts of the local masses and convinced the jury of his acting capabilities in such a way that they had no second thoughts about their judgement. I agree that Vikram had put in his heart and soul to get into the skin of this character called chittan. But honestly speaking, I feel his expressions, body language, dialogue deliveries(of course, not in Pithamagan) and the way he emotes certain scenes have been getting redundant since his first major hit, Sethu. He seems to have been too much influenced by the other characters that he had portrayed in the past. If you had watched his film Kasi, you'll understand what I mean. Especially during the emotional scenes in Pithamagan, you'll actually see the Kasi-Vikram in Chittan. If you had observed his body language in Sethu (the insane chiyaan) and Anniyan (the innocent ambi), you'll notice striking similarities between these two characters and Pithamagan's chittan - scenes where he portray's his naivety. If you're a hardcore Vikram fan, you would've stopped reading this post at the very beginning of this para. By any chance, if you're still reading (to fathom my rudeness), you'll kill me for what am about to say now -- that Vikram is not a natural actor. He has a few pre-determined acting formulae (proven ones, that worked for him and other novices) programmed within himself (which he has acquired over the years after consistent failures) that he applies to the characters given to him. And believe me, the characters he has played so far are not as varied as compared to Surya's performances after Kaakha Kaakha. What can I say about this young man, Surya? he was terrific and full of energy! After a classy performance in a serious theme like Kaakha Kaakha, Surya in Pithamagan had thrilled the audience with his sense of humour and timing as the charming trickster, shakti. That's the mark of a 'versatile' actor; Being able to portray a spectrum of emotions, each being unique in it's own way. Be it the Anbu chelvan of Kaakha Kaakha, Shakti of Pithamagan or Chinna of Perazhagan, Surya had enacted his parts with ease and grace. It was evident from the roles he performed, that he wasn't the usual stereotype actor. Want to have a glimpse of his versatility? See this video -



Acting might've been in his genes, but undoubtedly, he's one of the best things to have happened to tamil cinema. Coming back to Pithamagan, I feel it was Surya's role and the way he carried it, value-added to Vikram's character. Pithamagan, minus Surya would've been a disaster at the box office, since there wasn't anything else that was worth watching in the film, other than Vikram's occasional howls and growls.

I wonder what made the jury adjudge Vikram as the best actor. Do they give awards only to people who can cry their lungs out ? What about actors like Surya and Pasupathi(the baddie in Virumandi and Dhool) who can fit into any role given to them? Will they ever get recognised at the national level? Pasupathi did a brilliant job in Majaa(Infact, Vikram to me, seemed more like a second fiddle in that film, except for the stunt sequences) in a comical role. Surya, as the physically-challenged-yet-highly-self-confident-and-humorous chinna in Perazhagan was trend-setting! Do you think Vikram can ever make you laugh? When would the jury be able to distinguish between real talent and stereotype acting? What about comedians out there that are bubbling with talents? Will they ever get a national award? Do you think people like Nagesh, Goundamani, Vadivelu, Vivek and Kovai sarala don't deserve national awards? It's high time the panel revisited their rules and methodologies of scrutiny.

My personal opinion is that any Tom, Dick and Harry can act fairly well in 'serious scenes' involving the following -

* rolling the sleeves up and speaking a few punch dialogues before bashing the villians

* crying out loud during emotional scenes(after applying loads of glycerine) till the throat dries
up or the audience become deaf, whichever is earliest

* redden the eyes with rage

* tapping the left thigh with the left hand (or vice-versa), accompanied by a brief hop and challenging the villian

* shouting like a lunatic ("daaaai....yeeeei...", etc.) by giving a quick twist to the moustache

* behaving like a psycho serial killer, and so on...

Anyone can enact all of the above emotions and behave like a psycho; yes, even you and I. But that's not the point. We're talking about versatility, variety and class, in it's strictest sense and purest form -- like the ones that nadigar-thilagam Sivaji Ganesan and Padmashri Kamal Haasan gave us.

Just picture this in your mind -- if Surya and Vikram were to interchange their roles in Pithamagan, Surya would still have brought the best out of him to mould himself into chittan's character and also played his part convincingly. Do you think Vikram as Shakti, would've done justice to his role?

......We all love controversies, don't we ?

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Award winning expression !

This actor has been honoured with an Oscar award for his phenomenal expressions and body language. He also takes the credit of being the first Indian actor to have won an Oscar. Please take a moment off your your busy schedule to salute this hero !

Did I tell you that was a joke ?

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

'Never have I' - Answer to my last question

Have you ever heard someone telling you these before ?

"Convey my regards to abc"

"Convey my respects to xyz"

"My enquiries to abc"

"Please give my best wishes to xyz without fail"

How many times have you really conveyed these messages across to abcs and xyzs ?

Let me rephrase it - have you ever conveyed ?

Monday, August 14, 2006

Another Letter

My dear blood mother,

How could you do this to me ?

They say, "Charity begins at home". How cruelly true.

Your neighbour's foster child,
Handkerchief

P.S. Ammani's Quick Tale 146

Sunday, August 13, 2006

A letter to G U R U

Hi G U R U,

When you come the next time, don't forget to treat me with a mug of water and a piece of cloth.

Strikingly yours,
Bathroom mirror

P.S. It's been six months since I saw you clearly.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

It was the Director who killed 'Maya'

I believe Gautham Menon had shot an alternative climax for Kaaka Kaaka. Realising that it was too cinematic, he eventually decided to retain the one we all see today -undoubtedly, the one that's more realistic. I think that was a phenomenal decision !

I remember my English professor often quoting the phrase, "If Cleopatra's nose were one inch longer or shorter, the history of this entire world would have changed !". Going by his rationale, what if 'Maya' were not killed in the end as shown in this video ? Who knows, the movie may not have become such a huge hit. What say ?


The Director speaks...hear it from the horse's mouth....

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

My life

The day before yesterday, I had no clue of what I wanted to be.

Yesterday, I wanted to be someone.

Today, I am not what I wanted to be yesterday.

Tomorrow, I wish I atleast be what I think today.

But the day after tomorrow, I know for sure, I will look back at the 'yesterdays' and the 'day befores'. And smile. And probably nod. Maybe even laugh ! And just be content that am alive for another day. Yes, I can see that. Very clearly.

Disclaimer: Readers are requested not to misinterpret "My life" as the author's life. The "I" in the post could also be read as "you".

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

The toughest

If you claim he is the world's best in whatever he is doing, ask him to
read this and drive down to meet me at the address mentioned below -

Flat#3, #36, 'Shri venkat',
9th Cross, Puttenahalli main road,
JP Nagar 7th Phase,
Bangalore - 560078

If he succeeds, I'll second you. Else, take back your words.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Habits die hard

Do you remember the days when you used to pay regular visits to 'Cheytaah's tea stall' near the Santhome Church ? Am sure you do. How could you forget the shop where you started smoking. It used to be your most preferred hang out. Do you also remember the times when 'Cheytaah' used to go out for hours, leaving the shop under your custody ? And you would take care of his business until he returned ? Am sure you do. How 'Cheytaah' used to reward you with commissions for your commitment and dedication in selling tobacco and 'Guthka' during his absence! And how sometimes, he used to treat you with free cigarettes and tea ! Wow ! How wonderful were those days. Do you also remember one such memorable day when you were puffing to glory and there appeared a familiar face from the cloud of smoke that you created just then, staring straight into your eyes and you instantly pissed in your pant ? Am sure you do.

By the way, which brand did your dad ask for ?

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

A formal discussion

"Look Hareesh, I am your manager. And I pretty well know that you are the only impotent person in this team. Sensing this, I know how people have exploited you. Sometimes you were also humiliated I suppose. Don't worry Hareesh, you are not alone. Am impotent too. I too felt the same way when I was not given due recognitions, though I was impotent. So I perfectly understand how you are feeling at the moment. You should know how to tackle such difficult and embarrassing situations. I cannot keep telling everone in the team that you are impotent. Atleast not now. Neither can you say. Especially when you have ladies around. They will feel bad. They are sensitive, even to small issues. You are already smart, intelligent and rich. Above all, everyone knows that you are my favourite. Keeping all this in mind, if I now tell them that you are impotent, others will feel dejected. As an impotent manager in this organisation, it is my duty to respect my team's feelings. I don't want to create unnecessary confusions now. I don't want to pave way for resignations either. Let's wait till the next apprisal. By then, I would be able to gauge others performance as well. That day I will reveal the truth, about you, to the entire team - as to how impotent a person you are ! You will never, never forget that day in your life."

Hareesh knew that his Manager had a strong accent. Hence, he did not mind.

How important it was that he knew this !

Saturday, April 22, 2006

First meeting

It had been fourteen years since she visited this place. An air of nostalgia swept past her as she ambled across the streets where she spent her childhood - The man who sold gas baloons near the lamp post opposite to her maths tution, the lady who sold yellow flowers on her way to school, the begger woman who would not accept anything else other than food, overflowing dustbins, uneven speed breakers at awkward places in the road that had punctured her bicycle wheels a hundred times, the neem tree outside her school, the same dull and brownish paint on the school building and a lot many things. Nothing had changed. she was astonished. And happy too. These were the places she loved and grew up. She recognised everyone and everything. Yet nobody knew her. The very scent of these places used to make her feel ecstatic. The sweet memories of her past brought a smile on her face. But that was short-lived. she was on her way to attend a funeral. Of her aunt, whom she had not met in ten years. With whom her daughter was living. With whom she spoke just once, when she got to know that her daughter attained puberty. She had disowned her daughter the day she was born. And her aunt had adopted her, several years ago. Now that she is dead, who would take care of my daughter, the mother thought. She was about to meet her 'grown-up kid' for the first time. And introduce herself. But as what ? Her family friend ? Her relative ? Her mother ? No. Atleast she dindn't want to say that. Afterall, which mother would like to introduce herself as a prostitute.

On reaching her aunt's house, she closed her eyes and tried inhaling her favorite scent to relieve the stress that had built upon her.
All she could smell this time, was the stench of the corpse.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Patience

It was nine-forty in the morning. He was already late to office by ten minutes. Rushing through his cabin, he threw his bag next to the computer, took his seat, wore his glasses, closed his eyes for a silent prayer and then pressed the power button to boot his machine. Instantly, he pulled his chair back and rose from his seat. He was heading towards the pantry. There was already a long queue near the vending machine. It was getting late, but he knew he couldn't help. Nine-forty five. His turn came. Unfortunatly, the vending machine ran out of milk. They had to call someone to do the needful. Another five minutes. Nine-fifty. He finally managed to get a cupful of coffee. With that, he went to the corner near a window and started sipping the liquid ambrosia, looking at the traffic outside. After sometime, Phrrrt-phrrrt, pssst-pssst. Yeah, he was just sucking the air now. The coffee got over five minutes ago. He looked at his watch. Ten 'o clock. It had been twenty minutes since he was away from his seat. He pursed his lips, smiled to himself and started walking back towards his cabin. He was waiting for this time. He knew it would take this long. Pulling his chair back, he gently sat down and stared at the monitor. Gradually, the screen shifted from a black background to a light blue. At last, he could read the words, 'Microsoft Windows 98'.

Did god answer his silent prayer ?

Friday, March 31, 2006

What's in a name ?



It's time for some general knowledge. 'Asin', a budding South Indian actress, is the latest heart-throb of both unmarried and married men today. One such unmarried man and fan of the damsel gave me some 'gyaan' about what her name actually meant.

The following are some of the valuable points-to-ponder discovered in the due course. Please feel free to get enlightened!


The Myth

'Asin' is a Muslim.

The Fact

'Asin' is a Mallu-Christian.

The interpreted meaning

'Asin', I believe, is a person who is sinless - As in, sin, Asin, miss, amiss, moral, amoral, that way. Antonyms. You get the point? Frankly speaking, even am trying hard.

The Dictionary meaning

'Asin' means, the seventh month of the Hindu calender.

(Please, for heaven's sake ! Stop brooding over her name !)

The Co-incidence



Jyothika's name referred to the sixth month of the English calender in her recent flick - 'June R'. Surya played Jyothika's boyfriend in the movie, who just appeared in the last scene.

Incidentally, his latest-and-not-so-good-yet-a-runaway-hit
film was titled 'Aaru', referring to number six ! My 'sixth sense' tells me that apart from having a good on-screen chemistry, it looks like the pair also have a good on-screen mathematics !!

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Nature's call




Yesterday, I had been to Santhome beach to capture some splendid moments of nature. That's where I shot this beautiful pic. Looks like 'Nature' got embarrassed with my amateur photography. As I was walking back to the parking lot, 'Nature' called me. Tried ignoring it. No-go. It called me again and again. I had to listen to it this time. Started looking around for a public toilet. After a long hunt, found a dilapidated structure near the light house. Heaved a loud sigh of relief and started running towards that heaven.

"Plis, plis staap saar", came a voice from a corner. Had no time to waste. Especially, was not in a mood to listen to some jerk shouting in English.

Irritatingly, I shouted back saying, "Enna ya venum ? "
(Meaning, "what the hell do you want man ?")

That guy continued to speak in English and asked something that stumped my brain and heated up my haemoglobins - Must have been around 104 degrees Fahrenheit.

"Saar, you going one bathroom aa Illa two bathroom aa ?"
(Precisely speaking, "do you wanna pee or shit?")

I asked him in tamil, "How the hell does it bother you?"

By then, nature stopped calling me. It actually started to yell. I was really trying hard, but this guy was just incorrigible.

He again replied in English saying, "Saar, I yum the toilet master. Plis pay one ruvees far one bathroom and two ruvees far two bathroom"

And that was the last straw to break the camel's back ! I was fuming within myself. He was not ready to allow me inside without the payment. And even if I did pay, I was doubtful if he would come inside to check what I was really doing. I've heard of a school master, station master, Karate master, grand master and even a tea master. But who the hell is a toilet master ? Probably he wanted to command some respect for his profession. I had no time to think about all that shit. I had been challenged by Nature and had to answer it desperately. Finally, tossed a two 'ruvees' coin on his table and sprinted towards Nirvana. Not that I came under the two 'ruvees' category,
but wanted to avoid getting spied by another man !


What I saw inside the toilet, literally made me puke. Unclean floor covered with a dirty slush of mud. Pieces of shit spread all over the pot. Sanitary tubes and valves broken and unplugged from the basins. Colourful designs on the walls made out of a mixture of pan and saliva and tobacco and what not. Nauseating stench. To top it all, there was not a drop of water in the taps. To my surprise, I even found some excreta on the wash basin. I've only heard about people doing things differently. This was the first time I saw it ! I know creativity has no limits. But this is atrocious ! Believe me, I have not exaggerated even a single fact.

What is really stopping these people from maintaining the toilets clean, inspite of we paying money for using them ? This is not the case with just this toilet alone. Almost all public toilets in India are maintained this way. Who owns them ? If they do collect money from public for it's maintenance, why the hell are they neglecting it? will these toilets never have periodic inspections ? I see this so called 'toilet master' collecting coins from the public and stacking them on his table just like we do while playing popper on a carom board. Who uses this money and for what purpose ? These are some of the questions for which I have no answers.

Sometimes I used to think, maybe it is because of this reason that our desi folks prefer the street corner near a transformer rather than a public toilet.

Speaking of toilets, ah ! that rings a bell ! Someone once told me - "Marriage is like a toilet. People who are outside, desperately want to get in and people who are inside, desperately want to get out."

All said and done, I've always had this question lingering in my mind since my childhood days.

I would be grateful if someone could answer -

Why is number one associated with pee-ing and number two, with shitting ? On what basis were the rankings declared ?